


Talking Toby Drabbles

by escailyy



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: F/M, Talking Cats, for all the cat people, grumpy toby should be a meme, inspired by Salem and Garfield, matchmaking cats, toby is not happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:16:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12321810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escailyy/pseuds/escailyy
Summary: Toby can talk and he's got some issues with his Molly and her choice of mating partners.Also, how is he expected to be a good feline overlord if he's not fed in a way befitting his station?.





	1. Molly and Toby

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted from tumblr..because why not

“Molly, I love you but the tofu lover has to go” Toby said flicking his tail from his cat bed in the middle of Molly’s living room sounding as proper as he did in the 1800 “If I wanted to share you with a human I’d have set you up with that nice Siamese kitten owner from Central London, not this aberration to nature”

“Hey! Don’t be mean, Tom is perfectly nice, he has a stable job and he likes me” Molly said coming up to him and scratching the back of his ears in the way she knew he liked “besides you need to stop talking in places he can hear you, if you get caught how do I explain that I own a talking cat?”

Toby laughed “you don’t! You get rid of him like he did with my favorite brand of tuna” the tabby cat who’d once been a powerful demon shot Molly a glare “I was willing to give him a chance Molly, I tolerated his wet dog smell, I did not comment when he replaced my scratching post with some sports pedestal, I gave up my place in the couch and stopped DVR-ing my favorite telenovelas, but this! your ken doll has gone too far”

“It’s just diet cat food and pet tofu, Tom says it’s good for your health” Molly tried to calm her cat down “you know, lose a few pounds”

“It’s a crime to cuisine that’s what it is! Tastes like wet cardboard” Toby hissed barring his claws “he expects me to starve, to become a mouse eater! Me, the great Tobias Hooper Huntington Valois IV! The nerve! Human get rid of him or I swear I will”

“Toby, please, I don’t want to fight, we’ll figure something out, I know you don’t like Tom but he’s a good man” Molly sighed trying to get him to lower his paws

“I liked Curly locks better! He used to get free food from that Italian place I like so much and smelled like a chemistry lab, you should be with Curly Locks” Toby mused picturing all the food that Sherlock ‘my body is merely transport’ Holmes gave him whenever he used Molly’s place as a bolt hole “I wager he wouldn’t be scandalized by a talking cat” Toby harrumphed

“You’re right, Sherlock would merely want to dissect you for a better look at your vocal chords” Molly joked picking him up and cradling him again her chest “I can already picture your head in his fridge next to the thumbs I delivered yesterday”

“At least it would be an honorable death, in pursuit of science, unlike cat starvation, which Tofu lover will see to” Toby apparently wasn’t mollified by her cuddles “Get rid of him Margaret”

“Let’s go to bed Mr grumpy you are being way too dramatic,” Molly said instead and headed for her bedroom hoping her cat would drop the subject because if there was something she knew since adopting Toby at age 11, he was one stubborn cat.

Toby sadly didn’t drop the subject “My human can’t say I didn’t warn her” Toby muttered sharpening his claws with one of Molly’s nail files, with his nose he maneuvered his way to Molly’s landline phone and dialed the number he’d just seen on the telly “Hi, is this Agent Provocateur? Yes, you see a friend of mine had an accident with her entire underwear drawer, could you please deliver an order of your most attractive pieces to this address? Yes I know her size” Toby gave a specific list of Molly’s proportions “Something to seduce a man please, she is entering a new relationship after recently breaking it off with an idiot” or she would be soon if Toby had his way, but the talking cat kept his own counsel as he listened to the sales girl talk “yes, thank you that will be all”

And then he headed to Molly’s room with his newly sharpened claws.

In the end after coming home to a cat claiming temporary insanity and a destroyed wardrobe, Molly had no choice but to wear the racy confections Toby had ordered from the posh lingerie shop to go to work, because it was either that or going commando “I hope you enjoy becoming a mouse eater because Toby you are one devious cat” Molly said as she stomped her way out the door.

“Yes” Toby hummed watching the Bellstaff-blue ribbon escape from the back of Molly jumper as she slammed the door “That I am”

The next time Toby saw his owner, she was flushed, her clothes were askew and she smelled like a certain consulting detective “Don’t, just don’t say it” Molly said glaring at him but not managing to look appropriately angry “I know what you’re doing, I know you planned this and I’d rather not hear it” she didn’t even pause before heading to her room in a daze .

"Does this mean Curly Locks is coming to dinner?“ Toby shouted after her "because I’m feeling like having meatballs with Angelo’s special chicken parmesan”


	2. Sherlock and Toby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby is an ambitious cat, he didn't make it this far without knowing when to aim for the stars...or in this case, when to aim for designer catnip and gourmet sushi out of Sherlock's pocket

"I've been patient enough with you Curlylocks but now it's time for you and me to have a talk" Was the first thing Sherlock heard as a furry paw in his face woke him up "Cat to man" and then he realized he was actually hearing Molly's cat

Toby was sitting on his chest calmly licking his paws while he waited for Sherlock to wake up properly "you talked, this isn't scientifically possible" Sherlock muttered looking at the cat "you're wearing a sweater"

"Of course I'm wearing a sweater this is England for Magic's sake! I'm not a heathen, public nudity is strictly for the help" the cat gave Sherlock a pointed look "but that's not the point, the point is that you need to procure more of Angelo's chunky meat salsa"

"I'm dreaming, I must have eaten some of Mrs. Hudson's marijuana baked goods, this is a hallucination" Sherlock kept telling himself, because not even in his mind palace had he ever engineered something as bizarre as a talking Toby.

"Ugh and they call you clever" Toby spat with distaste "Fine Curlylocks, I'm a hallucination, I'm a manifestation of your subconscious and your secret desires in the form of a cat" Toby said in an exaggerated mystical tone "hear me talk woooo woooo" he pitched his voice like the ghosts he'd seen in Molly's telly

If anything Sherlock looked even less convinced "Go on" he nodded just to see what the cat would do

"Your subconscious is telling you that Molly's cat could really use some gourmet sushi" Toby announced "in other words, if I'm going to share my Molly with you and your overabundance of posh totty hair products, we need some ground rules"

"You share Molly? Molly isn't yours, she's mine" Sherlock didn't like the possessive way this cat talked, even in his subconscious, Toby sounded like his voice belonged in a Victorian melodrama "this is ridiculous"

"No! What's ridiculous is that your mating scent is all over her when I go to bed in my Kitty cushions, I understand your need to mark her all night but have some respect for the feline overlord, the noises you make hardly let me sleep"

Sherlock blinked, thinking back to all the past nights he'd dropped by Molly's flat "randomly" and ended up in bed with her, his cat subconscious might be on to something "what do you suggest I do then?" He usually talked to Watson about things like these but Toby was still staring with an unamused face "what would make Molly happy?"

"You've got a personality that speaks to cats like me, I like you Curlylocks" And by that he meant jerk cats who thought themselves Kings of the universe, not the overindulged smiling kitties that were nice to everyone "I am not saying don't mate with my owner, I'm not that delusional, but you should wine and dine her more often, take her out to see a body farm, have a candlelight dinner in a cemetery, bring me leftovers from Le Cordeun Bleu"

"Great, a talking cat is telling me advice on sentiment" Sherlock sighed to himself, this was worse than Watson "I'll have you know Toby that Molly loves dining in, she likes it when it's just the two of us together in a private setting, eating quietly"

"Yes, I know," Toby said "I of all the bloody cats in London know how much you love eating in here" he sent Sherlock a wounded look "Molly and I bought the dining table together, I used to love that table, you defiled my table"

"Should I be apologizing right now?" Sherlock didn't know why or if he should feel ashamed of being scolded about his intimate activities by a cat, but still he tried valiantly to soldier on with the conversation "because I do not want to apologize, in fact, maybe I should have the table moved to Baker Street"

"Ughhh you're impossible, Curlylocks, I'll spell down the rules to you clearly" Toby plopped inches away from his face "Start calling Molly your girlfriend, take her out dancing every once in a while and buy me designer catnip, if you fail to do any of these things I promise you" the cat threatened "you won't be able to get the smell of my urine out of your trousers" and with that Toby turned on his tail and jumped out of Sherlock's chest heading for his litter box

Later when Molly arrived from the morgue she found Sherlock strangely affectionate "Good case today?" She hummed as he warped his arms around her middle

"Would you believe I recently had the strangest hallucination about your cat" Sherlock replied pulling her to his chest "Incidentally Molly how do you feel about socially constructed relationship labels?"

**Author's Note:**

> so....I've been watching Sabrina the teenage witch lately, you know if this series didn't give it away already.


End file.
